Raising the White Flag

I signed off my last post feeling so confident. I was sure I knew the right course of action and given enough time, I would prevail. Well, that wasn’t exactly how it happened.

After I signed off last time I knew I needed to start adding food back into my diet. I could no longer keep my body functioning as it needed to and drink only formula. We tried carrots, snap peas, prunes, and hemp milk. It seemed once I put it into my body he started to fuss and complain. Within 12 hours he was screaming in pain.

Patrick stopped sleeping through the night and the number of diapers a day began to increase. He started vomiting again and I worried we might be headed back down our dark road. I felt so confused. I thought I was helping my baby, now it seems I was hurting him again.

On Monday Patrick began to yank himself off my breast after sucking for a short time. It seemed like it was bothering him again. By that afternoon I switched back to Elecare and stopped breast feeding. He seemed to be doing a little bit better but not much. The agony of it all was more than I could take.

Patrick woke early on Tuesday morning and I got up to make him a bottle. I had about three ounces of Elecare leftover from the night before sitting in the fridge. I also had a little less than two ounces of pumped milk sitting next to it. I figured together they would make a perfect morning bottle.

I warmed it up and he eagerly took it then spit it out. He began to suck then pop his head back, similarly to what he was doing the day before. I knew he was hungry and he began to cry out of frustration. I went into the kitchen and made him a new bottle of only Elecare.

I came back into the room and gave him the bottle. He took it like a champ and grunted with relief as he took the first few gulps. Jason asked, “What did you do?”

I sighed and said, “I made him a bottle without breastmilk.”

We shared a knowing look and he softly said, “I’m sorry.”

I nodded and replied, “Thanks.”

I couldn’t help but be overwhelmed with sadness. I am just not able to feed him anymore. He does well as long as I only drink formula, but the moment I introduce food, he begins to have problems again.

It isn’t worth it to go through all this to only end up in the hospital again. I have to do what is best for Patrick, and right now, the best thing for him is Elecare.

I am comforted by knowing the formula I am feeding him tastes good and is good for him. There is nothing more I can say other than, I gave it my all and it didn’t work out as I had hoped, but I have a healthy baby and that is all that matters.